Yes, It Might Be a Matter of Life and Death
Has everyone gotten the memo yet?
I continue to be shocked at how nonchalant or naive many parents still seem to be about giving their teenagers or tweenagers cell phones. I confess I have strong feelings about this—for good reasons.
I hear many parents debating about what age to give their child a cell phone. That is a good start, but it is entirely insufficient. If you wait to give your child a phone until he or she is 16 but give them minimal or no preparation for navigating phone use, they may quickly find themselves in dangerous situations. And I mean QUICKLY and I mean DANGEROUS.
Modern predators often swoop in quickly and initiate sexual conversation in some cases within minutes or seconds of a child or teen engaging on an app, game, or other interface. This is no laughing matter.
Wait and Teach
Here is my advice: Wait as long as humanly possible to give your child a phone. And in the meantime, actively train him on every possible thing he might encounter on a phone AND how to avoid/refuse/deal with it. Conversations and training over the course of months or years must cover the following (and probably much more):
Scams of all kinds
Porn of all kinds
Gender propaganda
Gaming
Choking challenges (and other challenges)
Al voice duplication
Al emotional companions
Time wasting
Solicitation by strangers
Sexting
Human traffickers
Fake jobs
Sexual advances
Sextortion and blackmailing (this is especially important)
Screen addiction
Body image and eating disorder content
Meeting people in person (never, ever meet someone in person or get in their car)
Suicidal encouragement
Loss of sleep due to phone use
Depression and mental health impacts due to phone use
Family disconnection from phone use
Algorithm patterns that know you and track you
Everything else you can possibly think of
Each item on this list should be explained, discussed, and reviewed repeatedly. Tactics for avoiding pitfalls should be planned. Tactics for dealing with these pitfalls when they arise anyway should also be planned. Explain things, share stories and examples, and practice what to do and how to do it.
All this will take time and effort on your part but do it anyway. Don’t think that your mature, well-adjusted, God-fearing child can handle the whole world being thrown at him without being armed for battle. He can’t. Arm him. Let him practice. And set a firm rule that phones will not be allowed in the bedroom. Sending your child to bed with a phone in the room is one of the most foolhardy things you can possibly do. Don’t do it.
Ready or Not
If you’re not ready to talk extensively and in detail about any of the sensitive issues on the list above with your child (like sextortion, porn, and gender propaganda) then your child is not ready to have a phone. If you think you can hand them a world-accessing device and that they won’t encounter the things on the list above, you are kidding yourself. Let them encounter those things WITH YOU BESIDE THEM on practice mode.
Despite all your efforts, your child may still end up ensnared in toxic, soul-crushing ideologies online or may become entangled with nefarious people in real life in the middle of the night. That is the chance you’re taking when you hand your child a phone.
ALSO, teach your child all the GOOD and USEFUL things you can do on a phone! Like reading good books, reading scriptures, calendaring, fitness tracking, purchasing things, family history, watching good shows, doing research, voice recording, journaling, navigating, video editing, and SO SO MUCH MORE!
Last Advice
Two last things. First, kids have no privacy when it comes to phones and phone use. Make it clear to your child that the phone is YOURS, and that you will have full access to the phone and everything on it all the time. Be aware, however, that that will not be enough to protect him. Because of disappearing messages and lots of other tricky things, even parents who see their kids’ phones daily may not be seeing what their child is actually doing and accessing on it.
Second, don’t make phones feel like the devil incarnate. Let your child do things on the phone sometimes like send a text, look up pictures, Google something you need to know about, or use navigation apps. Don’t restrict phone use to the point of obsession or your kids may very well become obsessed with phones. Take the role of wingman and help them safely soar.
To wrap up, here’s a practical example. My son is nine. About once a week or more I call him over to look at an email in my inbox. We read the subject line and talk about how we can tell if it’s a scam, whether or not we should open it, what the scam is trying to get from us or trying to get us to do. I frame it as if I’m training him to be an expert who’s able to see through the (hundreds of) scams he will receive every week as a phone user. I’ll say something like, “Look, this email says I’m a winner, but I didn’t enter a contest; what does that mean?” And he’ll say something like, “It means it’s a scam and they’re trying to get your personal information or your money!”
Yup. Now let’s repeat that lesson about 50 times along with everything else on the list, and one day he just might be ready.
With love,
Kimberly
P.S. Please pardon any typos I may have missed! I didn’t have a proofreader this time!
Sneak peek! My daughter is getting married next week! More later!
