My Last-Minute Speech at the United Nations this Week
I was asked on very short notice to speak on motherhood at the United Nations this week for the 30th Anniversary of the International Day of the Family. How could I refuse? Here’s my speech and a link to the video of the event (my part begins at 43:30.) My hair looks a bit atrocious because of the humidity in NYC that day but I hope the message comes through anyway!
Dear Colleagues and Esteemed Guests,
I’m thankful to be here on this 30th anniversary of the International Day of the Family to talk about MOTHERHOOD. Motherhood, alongside fatherhood, is among the most important topics in the world. Everyone has a mother, most women become mothers, and every mother wields great power. I will speak for 8 minutes and for the final two minutes of my time we will watch a short video I have prepared for you.
At the Commission on the Status of Women this March, I do not recall hearing the word “mother” spoken by any of the presenters I listened to. Instead, I heard the word “unpaid care worker” at least 100 times, if not hundreds of times. It seems that this unglamourous label is meant to reduce the contributions of mothers to mere servitude and to repel women from pursuing motherhood as one of their major life goals. After all, who wants to grow up to be an “unpaid care worker”?
But is that really all there is to motherhood? Is mothering simply an endless round of menial, meaningless service done for nothing? Is motherhood a powerless, pointless position that women are doomed to endure? Not so. Aristotle said, “The fate of empires depends on the education of youth.” The young belong first to their mothers. As the first teacher, nurturer, and mentor of all humanity, mothers are the masters of the future. This is why everyone seems to be after her job—not because it is powerLESS but because it is powerFULL!
NO to Marriage and Motherhood
I know of a young woman who was so convinced that marriage and motherhood were the two best ways to kill your dreams and kill your happiness that she signed a letter to herself, promising never to marry or start a family. It said in part:
Dear Alexis,
I need you to promise that you will never get married. You would be unhappy, unable to fulfill your dreams, stuck inside a house all day, unappreciated, having to do things you have NEVER wanted to do, and be depressed. Do NOT do it…By signing below you agree to the terms and will NOT get married. -Alexis Goodman, Feb. 27, 2019
She confidently signed the letter.
As time passed however, Alexis realized that it was her mother, not her father (who worked an extremely difficult job) who was truly “living her dream.” Alexis also said: “When I moved out, I came to realize this world isn’t all about me. Even my own life isn’t all about me. It’s about the relationships I form…and the family I will create. Job titles will come and go, but family is forever.”
At the time she wrote those words she was happily married to the man she loved and was about to have their first baby.
Many women, just like Alexis, have been convinced that motherhood and family are a waste of life. But most women also discover, just like Alexis, that although marriage and motherhood are profoundly difficult, they are also the source of the deepest joys in life. Fortunately, babies bring with them the ability to win their mother’s hearts. A challenge we face now is persuading women to keep their babies safe in their wombs until they can emerge and work their momentous magic on their mothers and on the world.
The Most Important Thing
A mother’s relationship with her child may impact her child’s success in life more than any other factor. Jenet Jacob Erickson, a researcher specializing in maternal and child wellbeing says, “Studies have repeatedly shown the significant influence of a mother’s maternal sensitivity on her child’s development. The National Institute of Child Health and Human Development (2003) concluded that the way a mother interacts with her child, her maternal sensitivity, is…the strongest, most consistent predictor of her child’s cognitive, social, and emotional development.”
In other words, the quality of a child’s relationship with her mother has a more profound effect on her than virtually all other measurable factors. And these outcomes can be lifelong.
Erickson further says,
“It appears that through the uniquely attuned interactions of a mother, a child develops an ‘internal working model’ for understanding and experiencing all other relationships. When the attachment relationship is secure, the infant…develop(s) the capacity to appreciate, understand and empathize with the feelings of others.”
Conversely, when a child’s attachment to her mother is inconsistent or insecure, the infant can develop “a mistrusting orientation” which often “prevents the child from developing appropriate social regulatory mechanisms.” If not addressed, this “may develop into feelings of depression, anxiety, aggression” and other socially maladaptive behaviors.
Psychoanalyst Erica Komisar says, “According to a Pew research study, working parents spend on average 1½ hours per day with their young children, which is not enough to provide them with a foundation of emotional security.” She says, “The first 1,000 days of a child’s life lay the foundation for their personality, character, and emotional development. During this time, children need to form secure attachments to their primary caregiver, preferably their mothers, so that they can cope with stress and become mentally healthy and emotionally stable adults.”
Komisar calls “the effects of maternal absence on children” a “major social issue of our time.” As we watch society careen toward possible moral, mental, fiscal, and social implosion, it might be wise to consider whether prioritizing a mother’s time with her young children just might be the best investment in the future of the world that can possibly be made. Because the relationships of mothers and their children is the foundation upon which all else is built.
Motherhood, Joy, and Power
And yet, how often do women, especially young women, hear that they are necessary, needed, powerful, and irreplaceable as mothers? How often do they hear that motherhood, though difficult, will be bring them joy and will help to build, fortify, and enrich the world?
Of couples surveyed in their 80’s, the vast majority said the happiest time of their lives was when they had young children.
Another study found that “9 out of 10 parents say caring for their children is one of the most enjoyable things in their life.”
And it’s no wonder :) Motherhood and fatherhood give a person a profound sense of purpose and a front row seat to the most beautiful, innocent, hilarious, heartwarming, heartbreaking, wondrous, and inspiring moments life has to offer.
I know this because I am a mother five times over. My four daughters are grown. But we had a bonus baby boy who’s now seven. I had him in what some would call my “old age.” When my son says to me, “Mom, I love you more than a hundred billion things,” that is irreplaceable. I wouldn’t trade it for a hundred billion dollars. I also wouldn’t trade the eloquent letter my daughter wrote to me just this week for Mother’s Day. Because of course, the small, messy people we raise grow up to be big, capable people we admire. And the destiny of the world shifts from our shoulders to theirs.
Yes, mothers can and should do more than mothering at varying seasons of their lives. Mothers can be executives, authors, inventors, managers, artisans, or a million other things. But the world needs great mothers more than it needs anything else.
When a woman centers her life around her newborn child, this is not an abominable breach of human rights for women as some would have us believe. The commitment of mothers to their children is why society continues to exist, why cultures persist, and why we still cheer (at least most of us do) when a woman announces she is expecting a baby. For in that baby exists endless potential, endless possibilities, and endless value. Our children enrich us in ways that cannot be counted.
In closing, I had an experience recently that gave me hope. My friend and I picked up these “Motherhood” badges at an event that occurred parallel to CSW this March. We decided to wear them on our last day at CSW. We expected the response to be negative at best and hostile at worst. But it was neither! Everywhere we went, in elevators, through the security gates, down corridors, and in events, everyone wanted to know about our badges. “I love your message!” “What do you do?” “Motherhood is so important!” “Do you work in my country?” “How can we collaborate?” The response was overwhelmingly positive.
In fact, motherhood turned out to be the most unifying message of the entire week and I believe it can unite the world. As we consider the Sustainable Development Goals, it would be wise to remember that the world is not sustainable without mothers.
THANK YOU.