Here's the Talk I Gave This Weekend in NYC

The Dangerous Concept of Love

My colleagues and I have spent the week listening to an endless parade of events on the atrocity of unpaid care work and related topics at the United Nations. We have heard how the forces of the world must unite behind women to propel them out of the home and into the workforce where they will gain real power. I have no problem with women engaging in work that produces income.

But that is not where the greatest power lies.

There is much that could be said on this issue that could include data, studies, and statistics. But my brief remarks today will be a personal response to the impassioned speeches I have heard across the street this week.

I had a baby in my old age, 12 years after my four older daughters. My son is one of the best things in my life. Has it taken sacrifices? Yes. But I am no worse off for it. In fact, I’m better. My son has not stopped me from writing books, speaking across the nation, running half marathons, pursuing my hobbies, traveling to the United Nations, or following my dreams. Instead, my son, who is now seven, is one of my loudest cheerleaders. And I’m one of his. This is the reciprocal beauty of families that gives us both roots and wings. And we take turns being the roots and the wings.

·       Before a baby is born, that baby’s whole world is its mother.

·       After a baby is born, its mother is the most familiar and comforting thing in the world.

·       In a short time, a baby’s face becomes the most pleasing thing in the world to its mother. The same can be said of a father. I often say that couples go out less after the birth of their baby not just because it’s easier, but because it’s so much fun to watch your own baby. Her smiles and tumbling over and sheer joy at seeing your face are way better than any movie.

The dance of connection and pleasure and security and love between a baby and a mother and a father is beautiful. And irreplaceable.

All human beings begin as babies. Babies ARE humanity itself. We were all once babies and we are only standing here today because someone fed us and clothed us, took care of us, and took joy in watching us grow. Most often the people who did this for us were our families. They may not have done it perfectly, but they did it.

Does it matter who feeds and clothes and takes care of young, developing humans? Of babies? It is often in the process of consistent caring and interacting (in other words, unpaid care work) that love expands. It is also largely through the daily caring and interacting that core values and beliefs are transmitted and taught. In this way, the love of parents for their children becomes the cement that holds the world together. There are difficult realities in families that must be addressed. But unpaid care work done by families and especially by mothers cannot simply be transferred to other parties without affecting children, mothers, and societies.

In one event this week on gender equality and unpaid care work, a young intern asked the question, “I’ve heard a lot of discussion today about unpaid care work; what about care done out of love? How does love fit into the conversation?”

This question was met at first with snickers throughout the room. Then it was answered in this way by the moderator: “Love is a dangerous angle. We want to restrict talking about the issue of love and instead talk about injustice and lack of opportunities for women.”

I submit that forging the core beliefs of humanity one child at a time through the process of mothering and fathering IS a great opportunity. Perhaps it is the greatest opportunity, and when it is done out of love, it is the most powerful thing in the world.

When a man and a woman join together to produce another human life, that life becomes their core priority. How they choose to care for their child is up to them. They can divide their care and work duties however they wish, in accordance with their individual strengths and abilities and these may change over time. And they don’t need government intervention to do it!

For most people, the private sphere (the home) is more treasured than the public sphere. Work in the public sphere is where people go in order to make their private life possible. Most people do not engage in public work just because it’s a fantastic way to spend our time or because it is wondrously fulfilling and requires no unpleasantness.

Although working at a paid job can be fulfilling, that is not solely why most people do it. Most people do it because they get money for doing it. And with that money they can construct for themselves a private pocket in the world in which they and the people they love can do what they want.

The private sphere is not only the more treasured sphere but the primal one. A robust public sphere is built upon and cannot exist without a functioning private sphere in which people are produced and fashioned into socially competent beings by people who love them. This happens best in families.

·       This is why it’s important to protect the family.

·       This is why mothers’ time at home teaching and loving her young children should be valued and safeguarded

·       This is why parents should retain control of all aspects of their children’s education, including their sexual education.

·       This is why the wage-earning work of fathers and mothers—in whatever way they wish to divide it—is vital.

Earning money matters, but it only matters in relationship to people. Women and men who have bought in to the idea that the greatest power is tied to the greatest monetary gain in the public sphere are gravely mistaken.

True power is not dependent on perishable rewards. True power is that which guides, shapes, carves, and claims the souls of men. And the souls of men are most often won and lost at the feet of mothers.

We do not have to deprioritize, abandon, or eliminate our children in order to live full, robust, beautiful lives. Lives of power. Our children enrich us in ways that cannot be counted. If we as people and as a world, prioritize family, all other concerns in society—and there are many—will more easily be resolved.

The way to achieve cooperative gender equality in the world is to advocate for mothers, babies, families, and ultimately, for the “dangerous” concept of LOVE.

THANK YOU!